I am having a writer’s block since a very long time. The main
cause of it is my very disturbed love life. I hate this! The only thing I should
be concentrating on is the thing that seems almost impossible right now. I have
to finish my book, but I just can’t write! Whatever I do, I think of him. When I
sit to write a new chapter, my mind goes blank, and when my mind goes blank, he
fills up that stupid space!
I am tired of this bullshit. I’ve told him how I felt, and
not on purpose. My best friend told him everything I have been hiding from him
since a year. Then, I talked to him and poured my heart out. And I learned why I
hate confrontations, why I hate expressing my feelings, because it hurts other
people. Yesterday, I hurt the person I love. What do I do? I had no other
option.
I kept saying sorry after that and it’s having no effect. He’s
not replying. I just hate what’s happening to me right now! I feel frustrated! I
was supposed to feel better after telling him everything. Why aren’t I feeling
better? I couldn’t stop thinking
about him ever since yesterday morning. I cried like a maniac in front of him
and now I feel so embarrassed! I want to hug him tight and say sorry again and
again. I didn’t want to put him in that position!
Now, I can’t focus on my writing, my workout, my food,
sleep, or anything! It’s pathetic! I don’t want to feel like this! I don’t want
to feel at all. I just want to restart my life minus the complications. On one
side, I want to just go away from him and never bother him again, and on the
other side, I feel that I should not give up on him. There’s still hope in me
that we can happen! Why is there this hope? Why? I don’t want to feel. I want
to stop feeling this emotion for him.
Why am I a hopeless romantic? Why am I so in love with love?
I am just 18! I will find someone someday, right? Why am I so desperate to be
loved? What should I do? Should I give up? If yes, then how? If no, then why? Why
can’t I just fall in love with my books, college, friends, and family instead? What
is wrong with me? Why am I so obsessed with love? How do I give up loving him? How
do I stop? It’s like riding a car with no breaks. I feel devastated.
In my second last blog, A Healthy Crush, I wrote about how to
get over someone. I have tried all of that, but it’s not working. I am going
crazy! Shit! I just need to get some fresh air! I need a break! This is killing
me.
Do you have any idea how to solve this problem? Please feel
free to comment!
