A Conversation with Conscience.

Conscience: Hey, Pratima.

Me: Hey.

Conscience: What happened? You seem sad.

Me: Is that why you’re talking to me?

Conscience: You know it.

Me: *Sighs*

Conscience: Come on. You know you can talk to me. Is it because of the breakup?

Me: Maybe.

Conscience: Do you miss him?

Me: I don’t think so.

Conscience: Do you feel love towards him?

Me: Barely.

Conscience: Hate?

Me: Hardly.

Conscience: Anger?

Me: That’s probably it.

Conscience: Anger regarding what?

Me: The list is long.

Conscience: I’ve got time.

Me: That’s what I’ve wasted on him.

Conscience: I see.

Me: I actually thought bearing with all these fights was worth it in the long run.

Conscience: And why did you think so?

Me: Perhaps because I wanted to make this work.

Conscience: But why did you think it was worth it? And at the expense of your self-respect?

Me: Because I loved him.

Conscience: Did you?

Me: I think so. If that’s what love is.

Conscience: What is love according to you?

Me: Being committed to one person, accepting them as they are, and being affectionate towards them even when they push you away, adoring them for what they are. I don’t even know if I agree with what I am saying.

Conscience: Why don’t you try this? What would you have said to your best friend if they were in this situation? What would you tell them about love?

Me: I would tell them that love is being with someone and being happy with them. Love is when you see that person and know that they’ll never make you sad. Even if they do, then love is accepting their flaws and expecting them to understand your flaws. When you stop expecting such a thing from them, it’s not love anymore. It’s a compromise. A false hope that one day everything will work out and you will be happy with them. Love is when you trust that person and know that they will do you no wrong. When you expect them to hurt you, it’s not love anymore.

Conscience: Did you trust him?

Me: For some time, yes.

Conscience: And then?

Me: And then I didn’t expect him to understand me.

C: When did that start?

Me: When my dad almost caught us, and then we fought about my dad accusing him.

C: Did he hurt you?

Me: Deeply.

C: Why were you with him then?

Me: I didn’t want to stop fighting for us.

C: And why is that?

Me: Because there was hope.

C: What are you most hurt about?

Me: He broke my trust.

C: And you’re sad because he too broke your trust? Because he left just like everyone else?

Me: He didn’t leave. I kicked him out.

C: And do you think you were right about that?

Me: Hell, yes!

C: Then why are you sad? What happened to ‘Good riddance’?

Me: He broke my trust! And I’m mad at him and myself for that!

C: Why are you mad at yourself?

Me: Because I trusted him too soon!

C: Isn’t a relationship built on trust? Weren’t you supposed to trust him in the first place?

Me: That’s it! I entered this relationship too soon!

C: But is there a time limit to that?

Me: No, I guess.

C: Then how were you wrong?

Me: Because I didn’t know anything about him, and still blindly trusted him.

C: Aah, I see. Fair enough. Are you going to punish yourself?

Me: Should I?

C: Punishing you would mean punishing me.

Me: I know. But I don’t want to punish myself.

C: Do you want to punish him?

Me: No, I don’t want to see him ever again.

C: I don’t think you will.

Me: Let’s hope.

C: In the meantime, do you want to be happy again?

Me: Yes.

C: What are we going to do about it?

Me: I don’t know.

C: You want a break, don’t you?

Me: Yes. I want to go away somewhere. Alone.

C: You’re sad about something else.

Me: Yeah.

C: What is it?

Me: I feel bad about myself.

C: And why is that?

Me: I can’t forgive myself for letting him treat me like this.

C: Will you listen to me?

Me: Yes.

C: You’re a fighter. You didn’t want to give up so soon. You just picked a wrong fight. But so what? Everyone makes mistakes. I made a mistake by letting you do this all on your own, and I think you did well without me. You kicked him out soon, even if it doesn’t feel like soon enough for you.

Me: But I let others pay the price. They won’t love me anymore.

C: Sure they will. Do you think you would’ve stopped loving them after their one mistake?

Me: I don’t think so.

C: Exactly. It is high time you forgive yourself. It is important that you forgive yourself, or you won’t find someone who is actually for fighting for not with.

Me: I’ll try.