A Conversation With the Conscience

C: Hey.

P: Hi.

C: Distressed?

P: How can you always tell?

C: I am you. I always know.

P: True.

C: So, you wanna talk about it?

P: I want to cry.

C: What happened, baby?

P: I am frustrated with this work.

C: I understand.

P: And I am scared that I will lose Purav if I keep behaving like this.

C: Why would you think so?

P: Why not? He’s not obligated to handle my bullshit mood swings. Eventually, he will tire out. *sobs*

C: Does he love you?

P: Yes, of course.

C: Then he is obligated.

P: But he is his own person. Why would he be obligated in any way?

C: You’re overthinking again.

P: I know that!

C: Would you have handled his tantrums?

P: Yes, I guess.

C: And why?

P: Because I love him?

C: Do you get my point now?

P: I guess I do. But still.

C: Pratima, see, there’s literally nothing you can do about this job thing. Why fuss over it at all? And about Purav, I know his mood is good right now because of Star Wars, but you can talk to him later, right? Maybe tomorrow? Until then, aren’t I right here with you, my love?

P: You’re right. Can I tell you what happened today?

C: Always.

P: So, the class was making a lot of noise. I yelled at them real bad. And then I got out of the class because their Hindi teacher came in; it was her period. So anyway, I sat outside the classroom and waited for the period to get over to take them to lunch. And then, I saw a boy getting slapped real bad. I didn’t say anything at that moment, but later the students told me that he wasn’t the only one who got slapped. There were other 4 students too. So I asked these 5 students to stay in the class while the rest of them went to the diner. When they came to me, these 5 children, they started crying real bad. My heart melted right there. I wanted to cry watching them. These students were trouble makers, but, Conscience, they were so sad. These weren’t crocodile tears. They were so sad. I want to cry just remembering that.

C: Oh, honey. I love your compassion. But you see, it’s just that these teachers are probably so tired and frustrated by this school, that they took it out on them. Because it’s their ass on the line, yeah? You know that, don’t you?

P: I know. Will I become like them as well, Conscience? Because I am frustrated too.

C: You’re not like them, baby. You know what it’s like to become the victim of someone else’s frustration. You would never go to such length. Yelling at them? Sure. But hitting a child? Never.

P: You’re probably right.

C: Yes. Is anything else troubling you?

P: Maybe.

C: Yeah?

P: Why can’t I take a joke?

C: Because that’s your hamartia, your fatal flaw.

P: What do you mean?

C: Remember what you told Namya about flaws that day?

P: Yeah?

C: Having flaws is awesome. I don’t see many flaws in you now. There are only: jealousy, rudeness (to some people), and this. But so what, Pratima? Everyone has flaws. So what if you do too? Now, I am not telling you to stay this way. Life is all about trying to overcome your weaknesses, one by one. And it’s awesome that you are aware about this flaw. You can mend it now, right? Or at least try to?

P: I guess I can. Thank you.

C: I am always going to be here, baby. I love you.

P: I love you, too.